2022 things

12 Dec 2022

(3 minutes reading time)

• I got a puppy.
• I couldn’t keep that puppy.
• I found him a lovely family and new home.
• I could only see my daughters once every 3 weeks instead of every other weekend.
• My gf yelled at me for having a sulky face when I needed comforting.
• I yelled at her for that.
• We broke up.
• I lived at my Dad’s for a couple months.
• He told me to reconcile with my ex wife so I did. It’s the only time I remember him saying he loves me.
• I switched therapists to an ADHD coach, as I realised it affected me much more profoundly than just being hyperactive as a child.
• I rang my ex gf.
• She asked me to see her the next day.
• I saw her.
• Things were ok for a while.
• I visited friends in Amsterdam.
• My eldest refused to come to London anymore to see me.
• On my last date with my ex I was feeling anxious around her from trying to hide the stress of some difficult things going on and also unsettled at not knowing where my ex and I were going.
• She dumped me and said when something comes up about my girls I get this way and she didn’t want the drama.
• I went back to my dad’s.
• I saw her dating profile.
• It said she now had room in her life for the right one.
• And that she was looking for someone who asked her about her who really listened.
• I tried to move on.
• I started to go the office regularly since the summer. At least 3 to 4 times a week. I can’t bear being in my flat on my own.
• I hung out with a bunch of East Asians and really want to be part of their gang, but I’m not and also much older than them all. I’m older than most of the people I know.
• One evening my ex walked past me hand in hand with a spectacled Asian guy.
• A week later I had a shitty, meaningless one night stand with someone who originally told me she wanted to pursue things with someone else but then came back to try dating me again.
• My friend got my stuff back for me from my ex-gf’s place. Among my things was the Christmas present I gave her.
• I came back from my solo trip to Paris for my birthday to be told by someone I’d just been on a second date with that they wanted to pursue things with someone they met two weeks ago.
• I got Covid. I didn’t see anyone for 2 weeks. I was awake briefly for meals each day for most of it.
• Ex wife realised something about our daughter.
• Found out I’m going to be an uncle.
• I saw my youngest daughter perform at her drama club’s Christmas show.
• It was deeply awkward being there with me ex wife, seeing people I used to know. None of them looked me in the eye. But I didn’t much care as it meant more to me to see my girl sing.
• A friend told me we can’t be friends anymore after I’d offended her. She even said that when I started seeing my ex a part of her was relieved.
• I accepted it but I am no less hurt and feeling it was all my fault.
• I am painfully aware I don’t have a circle of friends and 2022 has made me feel it all the more despite my efforts.
• The only time that’s been worse than this year was 2018.
• In 2022 I have regularly wished I didn’t survive 2018.