2023 Deeper reflections
(3 minutes reading time)
Was 2023 better than 2022? Last year was a blur of heartbreak and grief. In some ways yea, things got better. There were some positive changes. I’ll get to those. I want to save that for the end as a high. But this year also had its share of new problems.
Problematic
At the start of the year something brought me unexpected joy for a brief while. But that was tinged with me feeling insecure and not all that comfortable with what was ill defined, and ill fated. Then for the rest of the year I was distraught, teffified and scarred from being unjustly treated.
It still haunts me. Mixed feelings of regret, resentment, anger, sorrow and a tiny bit of utterly insane pining. And mostly fear. But now, perhaps through enough time and work, I’m feeling disgust and ambivalence.
EMDR
The one good thing from that horrible experience is that it drove me into more meaningful action to fix my life. My traumas. Myself. I’ve been investing more of my money into costlier therapy and in certain ways it’s helped. It’s really challenging stuff. But it’s also uncovered yet more issues that I thought I’d resolved. Turns out I’d just buried them. What I’m glad of is how this work is clearly delving deeper and repairing things that I’d deludedly felt were healed.
Forming a better future
Continuing on with good stuff, I switched jobs within GDS. I’d been on the GOV.UK team from the moment I joined years ago, but I needed a change for multiple reasons I won’t go into (for now). GOV.UK Forms is a really exciting, transformative product with so much potential and really strong momentum. I’m so lucky to be working on such a great project with really brilliant people. It’s the happiest I’ve been for a long while at work.
There was another work highlight. I co-hosted a work experience kid. They were a neurodivergent non-binary teen with an interest in software development and extremely smart. It was such a pleasure showing them the things we do, and also helping them to meet people of other disciplines such as the designers, product managers and front end developers. Their mum sent me the loveliest email that made my summer.
Giving friendships
The summer ended with my first birthday party since 2016. That and the dinners I’d been organising throughout the year showed me I do have a bunch of good pals. I found it mildly surprising and odd that people would agree to hang out with me, but their consistently saying yes proves that people must like hanging out with me.
“Who are you extra grateful for this year and why?
My daughters, my family especially baby nephew, my pals including Beth, Hannah Mac, Suga, Lara, Becka, Hazal, Alkis, SMess, Harry, Barney the floof, Polly, Richard T, and many others and most of all Anita my previous therapist for validating my experiences and to Tara my current therapist who has taught me how to look after my inner child. 2023 has been a year of open wounds healing.
I do wish I could see them more often but friendships this year have really sustained me. Even the ones that sadly died out.
The twilights months featured some clubbing and karaoke. Incredible experiences I didn’t see happening years ago. My life nowadays can be quite fun.
The end
I am not going to say 2024 will be my year. I held that notion for 2023 and even problematic people made that proclamation for me. Turned out not to be the case. But I do hope that next year will bring more good things that I get to keep in my life.
(I can’t go without acknoweledging the insanity of this deeply cruel world 🍉)