超賢 Chao Xian : I BATMAN

2024 Life review

(5 minutes reading time)

Pic of me having done the Hardest Lesson Learned in 2024 filter on TikTok which says 'stop chasing people who aren\'t making an effort to stay Here’s how 2024 panned out for me…

Stability

I’ve done nearly two years of EMDR therapy and something remarkable has changed in me… when I do get upset about something it’s pretty short lived and less intense, or that intensity is much more of a very short burst. I also feel so much more healed from many of the things I’ve been working on. I feel so much more self reliant or perhaps assured. This hasn’t taken away all my problems though, but I have to say there’s a much stronger inner peace than I’ve ever felt before.

Looking at my mood stability and general state over 2024 via the mood tracking app I use called Daylio, I’ve not had one day classed as Awful. An absolute first since I started using it in 2019. My therapist Tara also observed and stated back to me some pretty profound things. I really like working with her. She’s the best therapist I’ve had, and she’s worth every penny. The investment I’ve been making in myself is paying off.

A graph from Daylio app that shows my mood chart during the course of 2024

Connections and protecting my own peace

Tara made me cry one day. It’s not unusual for me to cry during a session, but she told me something quite moving. She had spoken about me to her supervisor (all anonymous of course). From their feedback, she was encouraged to tell me how much she enjoys working with me, that she looks forward to our sessions and that she feels a connection to me through our work. I was so touched…🥹 (yes I am a little bit in love with her, and I am aware of Transference, and I also know that this is harmless).

A couple of my frienships have deepened this year… and a few have gone, either completely or have diminished. I have learned that I value loyalty, consistency, commitment and especially acceptance of me as I am. These are super important to me in friendships… in any relationship! In the past I would have taken any lack of this as my fault. As a reflection of some kind of deficiency in me. But this isn’t the case. These are just people who can’t give me what I need. And I cannot expect that from them. Realising this has given me so much more peace. I’ve learned to set myself boundaries and to protect myself and my peace. I know that as someone with ADHD it’s even harder to maintain friendships, and it is still painful especially when you blame yourself. Self acceptance has given me the strength to let that shit go.

When TikTok figured out that this was my hardest lesson learned I was a bit shocked. Hence the pic at the top (ok I do know it’s a fluke guess by the filter really).

Remarkably unremarkable, yet unprecendented

2024 has been a pretty drama-free year. And that’s simply amazing. Dating has been really mediocre and frustrating and I’ve been single for the longest time since my 20s, as I’m just not feeling that dying need to be with someone. So no one has broken my heart! It’s in stark contrast to the previous few years.

What has broken my heart in 2024, and continues to do every day, is the world’s events and slide into fascism. It sickens me to my stomach to see such extreme hatred and violence in the genocides 🇵🇸 going on. It’s really made me review the West’s history and colonialism still being an ongoing trauma. It just seems to be escalating month by month.

Experiencing things for myself

I do very much prefer to share experiences with people, but I’m more and more open to doing things for myself. I got a Picturehouse Cinemas membership as I’m quite in to solo cinema trips. I struggle to sit through a movie at home with ADHD. Being in a cinema forces me to focus on the picture, and it being the only thing I can see helps to engage me.

I’d like to attempt a solo club night. I don’t know if I’ll enjoy it. It’s quite a different experience and setting to solo cinema… but if I do then that’d be amazing. I had bought several tickets in the year and completely flaked.

I’ve also been to more life drawing in 2024 and I want that trend to grow. Try to keep to a regular attendance and maybe making some more new pals through that, all while doing something I really quite love. And also more gym… which I don’t love but also don’t entirely hate anymore. I need to get back to a consistent level.

The times I do spend with the few good friends I have are really dear to me. They are the highlights of 2024, and those moments peaked in August which Daylio indicated was my happiest month.

What next?

More things I love I guess. More solo dates. More 1-1 quality time with my friends (I’d been so keen on group things before but that balance has shifted to more fulfilling times - shout out Smess, Hannah Mac, Beth, Sally and Kiki). More time with my eldest daughter too, which has steadily gotten better this year as she’s become more happy, confident and self-reliant and able to cope with being back in London with me.

Just, please, more nice things in 2025 ok?

NYE Update!

I did my first solo clubbing at the very start of 2025! This unlocks many more nights of dancing for me 🥹