Becoming a parent changes your priorities
(3 minutes reading time)
A hard lesson I learned, and still struggle with (at the risk of sounding hyper hypocritical), is something I realised that a lot of people at work were facing especially in this Pandemic World.
I shared this #club-parenting Slack channel:
Can I say something to peeps who are new parents (it may be relevant to others too) about “balancing” work as I had this thought in my head the other day. Please please forgive me for being a bit patronising and year another parent giving advice or clumsy with how I articulate this, but I see parents being hard on themselves for not meeting expectations. My general thinking here is that priorities in our lives change over time. In my head it’s something like:
Before kids:
- work
- chores
- yourself
With kids (especially babies):
- your kids
- yourself
- work
- chores
Because the above is based on needs. The first list is that you need to get the other things done before you can see to yourself. The latter is that your kids are always going to need you. You can’t do anything for them if you don’t look after yourself. That also means you’re not able to do what you can for work if you’re not looking after yourselves. Finally - so what if your home is messy? “It was never like this before” is absolutely true and totally OK. We like seeing your kids on camera. If they want to sit on your lap, let them for a bit. We’re not going to get annoyed or find it disruptive. Bring your whole selves to GDS.
The basic core of my message is - be kind to yourself and don’t worry too much about not being so “productive”. Lean on each other and also be aware that people are understanding of your situation and aren’t expecting you to be your “usual self”. None of us are. We’re humans, not worker drones 💚
This had quite a few responses and resonated with people. More enlightening was some other insights. One person said that at the top of either lists was your relationship with your partner. Something drummed into them a lot.
I guess given I was always at the bottom of my ex’s list, and tbf they came 3rd for a while with work at the top (imposter syndrome) then the kids, it’s no wonder we ended up separating (after a very messy divorce due to their fuck up. Hey I was 5th on their list).
Another one was the airplane emergency fix your air mask on first paradigm - you at the top, from a one time single mum. You’re no good to anyone if you aren’t functioning.
The crux of this is still pretty much the same. Don’t stress it and do what you can, but allow for your priorities to change in the right direction!
Side note for non-parents
I also had a thought on non-parents who may resent having to “pick up the slack” from the parents. You have to realise that if you come to have kids yourself in the future, it’ll be paid back. And even if you don’t, in whatever situation you find yourself in the parents will still want to pay it back.
But also be aware that this resentment, and visibly making a point of putting in the extra work, doesn’t make the parents feel good either. The point is a supportive culture benefits everyone. Be Excellent To Each Other.